I’m not sure if I’ll ever get into another relationship if I can’t figure out how to get out of my head. It never seems to stop making up all of these wild scenarios of what could happen or what could be. I do it with everything and everyone, but especially with people that I am attracted to. It’s easier to just imagine what these people could be instead of making myself actually go talk to them.
It gets to a point where I have such big expectations of a person that I’ll never talk to them or if I do they just fall short in my mind. It almost feels like a defense mechanism. If I just build people up too much, then I don’t ever want to let them close enough that I can get hurt. Maybe it’s just a big hint that I’m not ready for another relationship after my last super shitty one. I can just keep my lovely adventures in my head because they’ll always be better than what will probably happen in real life. It’s a really good way to not get hurt, but maybe these silly ideas are hurting me more than I realize now. Who knows. I’ll just keep going and see where I end up.
I can always just get old and only have pets and adopt a kid from somewhere cool.
Currently the best of what is stuck in my head all the time are these two songs. I’m super bummed that I wasn’t able to go see Sticky Fingers while I was here in Australia.
Sticky Fingers – Let It All Out
I love that I have a weird connection to inanimate objects. There’s so many little things that I can see through out a day that make me so much happier. They just remind me of all the beautiful moments and things in my life. There is one thing though that will always be my favorite and that’s finding the four leaf clovers my mom has pressed into books.
I am currently reading Clash of Kings, which my mom read forever ago (because she is the coolest and reads dope books that she passes on to me). She had always told me that I would enjoy them way before the series was turned in a TV show. I just recently started reading them and still haven’t watched to show because I want to finish them first. It was about a month into me being in Australia when I found the first clover pressed in between the pages. There were a lot more to find though. My mom is the champion of finding them. I swear the universe just likes her better than most people and wants to pass on the luck it can on to her. I don’t think there is a space of mine that doesn’t have a clover from her stashed somewhere.
I am not sure if she started putting them in there when she knew I wanted to read the books and I’d be leaving or if she put them in there years ago when she was reading them way before her and my sister deemed me “Clover Leaf” for my obsession over the environment. Probably a little of both. She is the reason I love the outdoors and am so caring. The reason I read Stephen King books and who I had to battle over who got to read the new Harry Potter books first.
I’m thousands of miles away from her, but I feel like every time I need it I find another clover stashed away. Her passions for the world and reading intertwine with mine years later. She is the little push I need to keep being brave everyday even if it takes the form of a pressed clover hiding between the pages of a magical world.
I don’t know why anyone hasn’t figured out how to bottle up some confidence and sell it. If you pay attention to this at all, then you’ll know about the boy that lives here that is stuck in my brain. He seems to notice me now and I can’t decipher his reactions to me. There are either good or he found shit like this and connected some dots and thinks I’m a creep. JOY. Fuck social situations.
Just a quick post to point out that I started putting the stuff I write up on here. It’s on the page Words Put Together. Let me know what you think and how I can make it better.
As someone who reads a lot, I totally love this TED talk by Mac Barnett. If you don’t watch all of it, skip to the last 5-8 minutes to hear about Niko and his whale.
I’m pretty sure I have the dopest family in the world. They always just know how to make me feel better. I’m thousands of miles from them, but they still have my back. They sent me a little package and both my mom and sister put a card in it for me. They both made me realize how much I like about myself even though I’ve been feeling down about the lack of friends here. So, I’m just gonna make a list of shit I like about myself for when I need it. I suggest you do the same.
- My hair because it’s the coolest color
- My tattoos
- My piercings
- All that I’ve done
- How adventurous I am
- That I do just fine on my own
- I am brave enough to try new things even if that means doing it alone
- That I am intelligent and would never pretend not to be
- That I have big goals and dreams for the future
- All the people I choose to keep around me because they are the best
- I can let go of people that are bad for me
- That I went through a lot of shit and that I am still happy
- I haven’t smoked for almost a year
- I’m a decent looking person
- I like what I look like
- I’m a good leader
- I get things done
That’s all I’ve got for right now. Love yourself. Put love into the world. Just love, love, love. It’s the only way to get it back.